Being a parent is tough. When a child misbehaves, we all know what we’re supposed to do: stay calm, redirect, be patient, etc.
But reality doesn’t always look like the pages in a parenting manual. Sometimes, we lose our cool despite our best intentions and snap at our kids.
We adore our kids, and we want to correct them in a way that’s loving and constructive, so why is it so easy to lose our temper when they start pushing our buttons? (And they do know just how to push those buttons, don’t they?) To find the answer, we’ll need to take a closer look at our psychology and environment.
Problem: The Past Has Literally Hardwired Your Brain
Our experiences are part of what shape our brain’s neural connections, which shape our actions, which in turn shape our thought patterns and actions even more.
Like practicing free throws in basketball, the more you work at sinking that ball through the hoop, the deeper the groove gets in your brain that allows you to score each time. The more you do it, the easier it is to continue doing it.
It’s like muscle memory, but for your brain — paths and trails that have been worn between your brain’s tissue because of using it a certain way for a long time.
This is why establishing a new habit and breaking an old one is so hard. It’s like forgetting how to make that free throw after you’ve sunk it 600 times. In order to break an old habit, you literally have to rewire your brain.
Solution: Rewire Your Brain for Patience
While easier said than done, this is not an impossible feat. In the book The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins, the author coins the term “mental trigger.” A mental trigger is a thought used to trigger action that’s different that what you’d normally do in a given situation — a reminder buzzer that you slam your hand down on when you feel a bad habit trying to fight the change.
Use a mental trigger to get your brain to do something else, and then act immediately afterwards. In The 5 Second Rule, Mel uses a simple, verbal countdown from five. Yours can be that, or it can be reciting an affirmation, visualizing something calming, taking a few deep breaths.
The key is to use your trigger to alert your brain to stop in its tracks, and then to physically act after that trigger. Walk away from a tantrum. Hug your child. Take a few deep breaths and smile.
Think, and act. Do it often enough, and those old neural connections start to fade as you form new ones — ones that allow you to connect with your child in a way that, in this moment, maybe just feels a tiny bit impossible.
Problem: You’re Putting Everyone Else First
Being a parent means taking care of other (little) people, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own wellbeing. When you put everyone else first, you begin to subconsciously build a case for your own martyrdom — a world in which your inevitable outbursts are justified by all of the sacrifices you’re making. You leave nothing for yourself but resentment and isolation, and you end up taking it out on your family. It’s understandable, it’s common, but it can be really hard to admit to doing.
Solution: Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First
You can’t be a happy, patient parent if you’re not a happy, patient person to begin with. Start with identifying what you need to make yourself happy, and then shape what your family needs around that.
It’s not about choosing one or the other, it’s about understanding that the two go hand and hand. You have to achieve your own happiness and well-being in order to create a happy family environment.
Problem: You’re on Social Media Too Much
That’s right, it’s totally a thing: being on social media too much actually elevates your cortisol levels — also known as the stress hormone.
In addition to the usual pitfalls of socializing online, the science behind the stress of social media breaks down to one simple fact: socializing is one of the most challenging and exhaustive things our brains can do.
Socializing in the physical world requires us to do a lot at once. Aside from just a healthy grasp of language in general, we have to adhere to social rules, read body language, assess mood, listen to what’s being said, analyze that information, and think on the spot to formulate a response.
We don’t think about it because we do it so often, but few things work your brain as hard as just having a conversation. People-ing is exhausting, whether you’re an extrovert or not.
Social media is socialization that few people can escape. It’s conversation at your fingertips, and it’s always on. Too much of it means our brains are pumping out cortisol, which triggers our fight or flight response. It puts us on edge, and by the time our kids need something from us, we’ve used all of our mental bandwidth on something else, and all we have left is lashing out.
Solution: Block Schedule Your Social Media Time
Do yourself a favor — turn off your social media notifications so they stop competing for your attention all day long. You don’t have to isolate yourself completely, just create some boundaries so you don’t fall down the social media rabbit hole every day. (We get it, it’s easy to do.)
Consider scheduling a daily block of time for social media and find a way to make it something you don’t have constant access to. Use Do Not Disturb mode like it’s going out of style. Leave your phone on your nightstand. Whatever you do though, don’t let it suck you back in (because Facebook will NEVER be as cool as your kids).
Problem: Your Hormones Are out of Balance
Hormone imbalance is a problem that’s common enough for most people, but one moms in particular are susceptible to. It can be triggered by:
- Sleep deprivation
- Breastfeeding
- Pregnancy
- Too much screen time
- Poor diet
- Not enough exercise
- Not enough sunlight
Solution: Regulate, Mama
The life of a modern mom is taxing in so many ways. Taking care of yourself first is vital to making sure you are mentally prepared to handle the everyday stresses of motherhood. Try these things to help balance your hormones:
- Wear blue light blocking glasses when you’re in front of a screen
- Get outside every day to boost your Vitamin D production
- Eat clean (reduce your sugar consumption especially)
- Exercise
- Get plenty of sleep
If you suspect hormone imbalances are causing your issues, consider finding a functional medicine doctor to dive deeper into natural solutions to hormone regulation. As a bonus, they’ll hold you accountable if you’re struggling to get on track.
The perfect parent doesn’t exist. We all occasionally lose our cool and snap at the ones we love the most. It’s part of being human, but that doesn’t mean we can’t strive to do better. Practicing healthy habits and prioritizing self care is the key to letting go of the anger and becoming a more patient parent.
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